So… what do you do when you’re asked to perform at a coffee-house event, and have 3 hours to prepare a script that will hopefully get a laugh? If you’re me, you turn to the internet to fix your writers’ block, and end up writing a poem using as many pop culture references as possible.
This is the censored version of my internet loving audience pandering poem, so enjoy! (Stage directions in italics). -MC
This is a poem, about writer’s block and pop culture, called
I KNOW I CAN WRITE BETTER THAN TWILIGHT!
Picture me lying awake at 2 am, grappling with writer’s block
An affliction which has killed more dreams than Stephen Harper
And killed more characters than The Walking Dead
I don’t always have writers’ block, but when I do, it’s a huge pain in the posterior.
Over 9000 brilliant words and ideas are in my mind,
But I can’t see them, I can’t see them, you can’t see them on the paper any more than I can see the John Cena meme going away.
I’m never going to give them up, never gonna let them down, never gonna run around and desert them…
After all this of course, I feel clingier than Taylor Swift because I can’t Let It Go no matter how hard I try.
And this is the moment where I realise, I have a masterpiece forming in my head, a masterpiece that’s slowly coming together, slowly coming to fruition…. Even slower than Sherlock season 4, but still…
It’s just a work in progress, that’s all. It’s just saying Hello from the other side.
But…. If it’s so inevitably wonderful… why can I not break the writer’s block???!!!
After all, TWILIGHT is a best seller, TWILIGHT! A book with a worse love triangle than the hunger games! A book that glorifies blood sucking stalkers!
This is a best seller, but I can’t even get my masterpiece on paper!
This is the embodiment of my annoyance, exploding like fake meth on Breaking Bad!
This is my force awakening! You don’t want to see my final form! *scarf flip*
Soon all of my friends will be like:
Step to one side of stage with concerned facial expression and reassuring hand gesture.
“Dude eat a snickers”
Step to other side of stage with skeptical facial expression and defensive posture.
Step to opposite side of stage with a revelation of the hard truth, tell it like it is face.
“Because you get a little angry and write terrible poetry when you’re hungry”.
Move to opposing side of stage with an offended facial expression. Snap fingers three times in an urbanized insulted fashion.
Move to other side, looking inquiring.
Resume original, non-self discussing then yelling mode.
NO, IT’S NOT BETTER AND IT’S NEVER GOING TO BE
I want to be the very best like no one ever was!
I will be more beloved than Gangnam Style
Imitate Gangnam Style dance movements.
More triumphant than Leonardo DiCaprio winning an Oscar!
For I am simply a humble genius seeking his time to sparkle like the modernized vampire! (Thanks a lot Stephanie Meyer)
I will go down in history, like Rudolph! I will break the internet with my amazingness!
(No thanks Kim Kardashian, I prefer my method!)
You might be thinking, “you know, so much of this poem sounds like I’ve heard it somewhere before”
And that is likely because we’ve all had pop culture crammed down our throats!
Maybe it’s hard to find inspiration when my head is filled with nothing but stupid items like these?!
I believe that it is a sad day,
when an auto-tuned twerking singer on LSD, or an orange fascist wearing a toupee
made from the pelt of the child of a bleached orangutan and a mop!
can make headlines,
And the mediocre story of a lonely werewolf and a vampire that can’t get it in, becomes a hit novel
but the words of an eccentric narcissist,
who can sort of write,
are foiled before they have even begun!
Move hands in circular motion imitating the “wax on, wax off” motion.
So to those nay-sayers, like the karate kid, I will be training hard, waxing cars, and writing nonsense, until the day,
Put mic down, turn, do crane kick towards the left wall, then resume speaking.
Where I will go out and face, the world, crane kick life in the face, and say, hoorah, because I am getting somewhere!
But until then, if I have rallied you to my cause, sign ups for the league of contemptuous mainstream hipsters are next week!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the coffee shop to write my tumblr blog, as I fight the system from within.
But just to conclude this poem, free of sponsorship,